The 2010 Royal Rumble Countdown!

It's my favorite show of the year! Hoo daddy!

Right to the picks, folks, because I've only got 45 minutes before this starts:

ECW Championship
Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson
I really, truly couldn't care less. Isn't ECW about to fold anyway? At least it'll be interesting to see what Big Zeke's got.

Winner: Christian
My Pick: Pass

WWF Women's Championship
Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James
This is the real women's title with all the lineage and everything, not the pink thing. I've seen little of it, but apparently this feud is based around Mickie being fat, McCool making fun of her for it and the crowd being all sympathetic. The only problem? Mickie actually isn't fat at all. I really don't know what their problem is, she's incredibly hot and I certainly hope she prevails here. Don't see it happening though, because the people in the back surely want to send a message that you just can't be a WWE Diva without a concurrent eating disorder.

Winner: Michelle McCool
My Pick: Mickie James

WWF Championship
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
Heel vs. Heel! Ballsy! I fully expect Atlanta to turn Orton face for the night, and I really don't know who wins here.

Winner: Sheamus, because of that rumored HHH feud at Mania. If it's Orton, though, DiBiase's Rumble odds improve exponentially.
My Pick: Sheamus, and for the poor pale fella to get a bit more face time on Raw with the belt.

WCW Championship
The Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio
Batistaference may be a given here, but Michaels could always get involved too. Enough alarm bells are sounding that it's probably time for an urgent....there's a chance that, given the storylines and the Undertaker's involvement, they could ruin the show by having this go on last, after the Rumble, a la 2006.

If they do, expect magic, explosions, fog and shittiness.

Winner: The Undertaker
My Pick: The Undertaker

The Royal Rumble Match
Everyone seems to be saying every year that this year, for a change, they just don't have any idea who's going to win the Royal Rumble! I'll be honest - as you can see with a quick dig through the archives, I haven't had a clue who would win the Rumble for a long time. I figured it would be Cena or Batista in 2005; every year since then, while my sentimental picks have sometimes won, my actual picks have not. I think I like this.

Nevertheless, I give you the debut of the ROYAL RUMBLE COUNTDOWN! Your most likely 30 Rumble participants (only 25 currently announced), ranked in reverse likelihood of victory. Here we go:

The Bushwhacker Luke Division
(lucky if they remain in the match for 15 seconds without getting humiliated)

30. Santino Marella (unannounced)

Ah, Santino. We here at HFR love you, but after claiming the Warlord's record last year and getting booted in one second, this is probably not going to be your night.

29. Zack Ryder
28. Carlito
27. Yoshi Tatsu
26. Evan Bourne

The Dory Funk Jr. Division
(surprise entrants who aren't very good surprises)

25. Chavo Guerrero (unannounced)


The Akeem Division
(for giant clods with no chance of winning)

24. Chris Masters
23. Mark Henry
22. The Great Khali
21. Kane

The Jerry Sags Divison of Deadwood
(yeah, they're not winning either)

20. R-Truth
19. William Regal
18. Shelton Benjamin
17. Matt Hardy
16. Cody Rhodes

The Diesel Push Division
(not even named after Diesel, but his Push)

15. Jack Swagger

It's gotta be Schwagga, right? They've been pushing this little angle for three weeks now. Also a candidate for the next division with Santino, though.

The Randy Savage/Jake Roberts Division
(pairs of guys who are currently feuding and will probably take each other out)

14. MVP
13. The Miz

Meltzer mentioned last week that the Miz is on such a role that he should really be winning the Rumble. I might not go that far, but he really has been awesome for the past few months. I even like his new music. The promo he gave on the Tyson RAW was the best I've ever seen from him.

12. Drew McIntyre (unannounced)
11. John Morrison (unannounced)

Morrison should probably just start carrying the MITB briefcase around now. I'd love to see him get a surprise win here, but it ain't happening. If they're not in it, alternate surprises could always include Goldust, Mike Knox, Hornswoggle, Finlay, a returning Booker T, a returning-for-one-night RVD, or some other guy who we'll get to later.

The Dark Horse

10. Ted DiBiase

A Legacy split into a title feud has allegedly been talked about for a while now. He's a bit bland still, but winning here would put him over huge.

The Contenders

9. Kofi Kingston
8. The Big Show
7. CM Punk
6. Chris Jericho
5. Batista

We're officially at the point where any of these guys could win and not cause me to spit out my drink. In particular, Punk or Jericho winning would be awesome, but there's a long tradition of heels rarely pulling this off.

The Favorites

4. John Cena
3. Shawn Michaels
2. Triple H

If we don't get a surprise, I think we get the Hs going over here. They may never be over enough to merit winning themselves a Rumble again. Also, Sheamus-HHH is their alleged Mania match, and HHH loves to steal the main event. Not "steal the show", to be clear - to steal the actual spot from somebody else. Either of these three could win, it would make total sense and it wouldn't surprise me in the least. They're usually good about this, though - they tease a HHH win, and we get something else. Like Mysterio four years ago. Like Orton last year. Like....

The 2010 Royal Rumble Winner

1. Edge (unannounced)

The current poster for the Royal Rumble DVD on the Blockbuster website?
Hmm, that guy looks familiar.

My Canadian Hero is also my sentimental pick for the Rumble this year. Good tidings to all of you, enjoy my favorite wrestling night of the year, and ORDER. THIS. SHOW.