Comparing the Remaining NFL Playoff Teams to Professional Wrestlers

Seeing as we’re coming up on the best weekend of NFL football this year (the 8 presumably best teams playing 4 games total, with a potential classic or two on tap), it’s time for HFR to branch out just a bit and preview the games with a bit of a carny twist. Going from the least to most interesting game.....

Seattle Seahawks - The Undertaker, present day




Always a threat to win a championship, they somehow remain popular despite having already peaked in their current form. In the Seahawks’ case, this happened with the Super Bowl run two years ago. Undertaker? Probably peaked around 1992, switched gimmicks a few times, and then went back to the first one for reasons that elude me. Perhaps in a few years the Hawks will do the same - switch back to the blue jerseys and less-imposing logo, re-sign Dave Kreig, and insist over Goodell objections that they play in the AFC West.

@ Green Bay Packers - Ric Flair, 1996



Maybe they can’t do the running-into-the-turnbuckle thing anymore, but they can still move, dammit, and they’re not deterred by everyone saying they should’ve retired 5 years ago (really only applies to Favre, but whatever, no one’s watching this game for Greg Jennings).

(aside for Greg Jennings’ immediate family: he’s probably more Mongo McMichael than Arn Anderson)

(aside for Brett Favre: defying Father Time worked well enough for 1996 Flair. That was twelve years ago. He hasn’t retired yet. It’s becoming a problem. Take note.)

Pick: Green Bay gets the nod here; Flair doesn’t lose in Charlotte, and you never know, Tully Blanchard might be in the first row with a steel chair.

New York Giants - Barry Horowitz, 1995



@ Dallas Cowboys - The Body Donnas, 1995


Just think of Romo as Chris Candido - the moderately good team leader with a smoking-hot, out-of-his-league girlfriend. The parallels to specific team members end there; maybe Wade Phillips is Tom Pritchard, but there’s no real Terrell Owens in the pack, as pro wrestling promoters are still adapting to the whole “black people” thing.

The natural comparison for Eli would probably be career jobber the Brooklyn Brawler, but just as Horowitz lost most of his matches before improbably pinning Skip and going on a hot streak, so did Eli choke in most all important games throughout his career before nearly beating the unstoppable Pats two weeks ago, then rolling through Tampa on Sunday. Also their signature gestures - Horowitz’s “self pat-on-the-back” and Eli’s “I’m going to go vomit angrily” facial expressions - failed to endear them to a mass audience.

Pick: They’ve lost twice to the Cowboys this year, but the third time’s the charm as the hot streak continues and the Giants prevail. Self pat-on-the-back!


San Diego Chargers - Ultimate Warrior, 1995



Not the world-beater from WrestleMania 6, but the unhinged lunatic that would show up for three weeks at a time, look formidable, and then disappear without warning. Sure, they look good now, but Norv Turner’s in charge, their best defensive player likes the HGH and looks like Kingpin a little bit, and their QB is a total douche. Like the three metric tons of horse semen that the Warrior probably ate for breakfast every day, these forces will conspire against them.

@ Indianapolis Colts - Bret Hart, 1994



Non-offensive, solid and flawless in nearly every aspect of their game and just good enough to win championships when the super-dynasties are at less than peak strength. Hart benefited from a post-Hogan, pre-Austin WWF in the mid-90s, and the Colts enjoyed a narrow defeat over the Pats last year when their best receiver was a bug-eyed guy best known for dropping passes.

Note: I never really liked Hart that much , but as a Colts fan, I’m hoping for the NFL Wrestlemania 10 this year. Can someone please throw some salt in Brady’s face?

Pick: Solid and very good beats crazy and occasionally great, Colts don't lose until Foxboro next week


Jacksonville Jaguars - Lex Luger, a few years before this happened:


Popular pick to be the next Hogan, never really measured up. The epitome of the perennial sleeper that keeps napping.

SUPERBOWL? CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY???? WHAT IS IT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ITS CALLED, WHAT IS IT CALLED????


@ New England Patriots - Hollywood Hulk Hogan, 1998



You remember this, right? The Pats used to be popular; the team that beat the juggernaut 2001 Rams right after 9/11, in a game where U2 brought the house down at halftime and 18,000 hacky broadcasters busted out the “on this day, we are all Patriots” line. They even ruined part of the Super Bowl for every subsequent year by insisting on being introduced as a team rather than individuals, an act that also served the purpose of making Mike Martz look like an ass. They might as well have entered to Real American, and like the Hulkster, they didn’t stop being popular overnight - it just went from a complete sensation to grudging cheers, then to smatterings of boos around the time of their SB win against the Eagles. Last year, nobody could stop harping on how they were “sick of the Patriots”, so like Hogan in 1996, they got wise this season and painted it black.

Ever since, they’ve gone from “fading” to “reborn and unstoppable”. It took a phenomenon to dethrone Hollywood Hogan - he held the title for almost two years with few interruptions, and only lost it to Goldberg mid-98 at a point when Goldberg was hugely popular and management was hopelessly desperate.

Pick: There’s no 1998 Goldberg in this group. We're still in the phase where Hollywood Hogan beats all comers; hopefully this is followed by Tom Brady spraypainting the Lombardi black and Belichick hosting the 2019 revival of the American Gladiators revival. For now, the Pats roll, this week and all the way to the trophy.

Those motherfuckers.