......it's a down year for the most fun B show of the year!
That postcard was Christian's tweet from earlier today, and his presence could definitely help out these Chamber matches. Sorry for the lack of a Royal Rumble Countdown this year - it really is my favorite thing to write all year, and I put off writing it for so long and then had so much fun doing it that it wasn't done by the time the show started. As much as I'd love to lie to all of you and claim prescience, I actually had Sheamus ranked eighth, and had JOHN LAURINAITIS pegged to win the Rumble. As I told you at the time, this site's correct prediction in 2010 was a complete fluke. I do maintain that Punk vs. Big Johnny for the title at this show, with a #1 Contender Chamber match for the Raw side, would've been far better than what we have here.
On a related note, even after the awful angle going into Survivor Series, I really thought that with Rocky on the horizon, this year's Rumble and Chamber shows would've been much more interesting than in past years. They could've had Rock or Cena try to get the belt, they could've scrapped the usual formula and made the Rumble be for the right to face Taker.....they could've done a bunch of stuff, but instead we got a forgettable Rumble and a really lackluster card for tonight. Speaking of which, in projected match order....
WCW Championship Smackdown Elimination Chamber Match Daniel Bryan vs. The Big Show vs. The Great Khali vs. Santino Marella vs. Wade Barrett vs. Cody RhodesGiven the presence of both Khali and Santino, this is the most likely match for someone like Christian to pull an Edge and attack someone on the way to the Chamber while then stealing their spot by locking himself in their pod. Edge set the precedent! It's legal now! For continuity's sake, I really hope he waits until the WWF title match and then does it to Kofi.
Winner: Someone not currently in the match, be it Orton or Christian or Del Rio or Henry or Batista or god knows who My Pick: DANIEL BRYAN, currently killing it as a cowardly heel WCW champ on Smackdown
WWF Women's Championship Tamina Snuka vs. Beth Phoenix I love legacy kids and all, but Tamina's just here to kill time until Kharma comes back around at Wrestlemania.
Winner: Beth Phoenix My Pick: Beth Phoenix Mid-Show Brouhaha This isn't listed on their website yet, and I have no idea why not, because it's virtually guaranteed and a staple of No Way Out every year. Sheamus probably gets a match added, maybe the tag champs fight as well, but there's going to be SOMETHING else. My money's on either Rocky or Shaq to make an appearance.
Ambulance Match John Cena vs. Kane I was a defender of this feud at first, on the grounds that Kane (in a theory espoused by the great Vince Verhei) was a "hate advocate" seeking to lobby Mr. Cena for the adoption of hate into his worldview. In practice, though, it's ass and I want it to stop. I have a feeling it might after this match, but they have a lot of time to fill. This is going to suck.
Winner: John Cena, Wrestlemania is next month you see. My Pick: John Cena
WWF Championship Raw Elimination Chamber Match CM Punk vs. R-Truth vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz Much like the Kane storyline, I support CM Punk in theory, but in practice he very often makes for terrible television. When he's not champ and the title is on someone middling, I'll root for him to become champ based on empty promises of getting rid of the spinner belt, but I don't really care all that much. He's a remarkably overrated promo guy and storyline-wise, I have no idea why he's motivated by a deep-burning hatred for John Laurinaitis, a guy who makes matches because his storyline job is to make matches. This show seems totally predictable right now, and this match is where I'd throw in a SWERVE that actually makes sense - sacrifice these dudes to ensure that your potential biggest Wrestlemania of all time, buyratewise, doesn't job out your most historic title by having it in the middle of the card.
Winner: Chris Jericho, or maybe Punk, doesn't matter who, leading to a WM match between them My Pick: Cena or Rock, because a match that big should be for the title, and that title needs all the resuscitation it can get.
Overall: This card looks pretty shitty on paper, though the Chamber matches are always good even if terrible writing renders them meaningless. I'll be watching out of tradition more than anything else, but you can feel free to wait until tomorrow. Not a good thing to be saying during Wrestlemania season.
It's the SUMMER OF PUNK! Mark me down as astonished at how many people seem to believe this is Punk's last night in the company. Dave Meltzer even mentioned in his update today that Punk is almost definitely leaving, which I agree is likely, but not until after Summerslam. The hints have all been dropped; I think we're in for another month or so of fun. Tonight, specifically, should be tremendous fun.
RAW Money In The Bank Match Rey Mysterio vs. Alex Riley vs. Evan Bourne vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Jack Swagger If there's a cash-in coming later in the evening, as many are speculating, you'd expect Del Rio to win here. I'd be on board with almost anything else - Del Rio already won that #1 contender's match, and the title match later will be best if like twenty different scenarios are in play going in. Just please no SAY IT TO MY FAAAAACE Alex Riley briefcase push.
Winner: The Miz, who cashes in on the SMACKDOWN winner and then wins the title and heads over there for a while. They need heels, you see. My Pick: R-Truth, because I'm not yet sick of his new heel schtick. However, they may have blown him off when he got okie-doked by Little Jimmy at Capitol Punishment.
Big Show vs. Mark Henry BATTLE OF THE SKYSCRAPERS! MAMMOTHS COLLIDE!
I am way more excited than I should be for this match.
Winner: Mark Henry My Pick: The same
WCW Championship Randy Orton vs. Christian Should be an excellent match, much like the last two PPV matches they've done. Christian is good as a heel, but he really needs the old version of his music back.
Winner: Randy Orton, then Miz cashes in My Pick: Christian
SMACKDOWN Money In The Bank Match Sin Cara vs. Kane vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Wade Barrett vs. Heath Slater vs. Justin Gabriel Jeez, they're really scraping the bottom of the barrel for participants here. I wish at least one of these matches would just use the old 6-man format - 8 is too many to jam in, and I doubt anyone would miss Slater or Gabriel.
Winner: Sheamus, or a mystery guy who gets put in the match after not winning the first one. Who knows, it could just be someone they want to feed to Cena or Punk later in the show. My Pick: DANIEL BRYAN! Good on you for getting on a PPV card!
WWF Women's Championship Kelly Kelly vs. One (1) Bella If you are a human, and you are not an identical twin or part of the Kelly Kelly Kelly family, it is impossible for you to care about this match.
Winner: The two Kellys defeat the one Bella My Pick: A sweet merciful end to this match
WWF Championship John Cena vs. CM Punk This is the big one. I can't remember a B-show with a main event this big in quite some time, and they could go tons of different routes with this. The safe pick for them is Punk winning followed by Del Rio cashing in to take the belt; however, I have a bit more faith in them than that, and I think they've talked Punk into staying for another month. I say he wins here, and then in my dream world takes the belt to ROH or something like that as they film vignettes of a fired Cena following him around the country and trying to win it back. If they put some effort into this, the next month or two could be really, really cool.
Winner: CM Punk My Pick: CM Punk wins & walks out as champion, Raw does a 4 tomorrow night
Overall: Holy crap, enjoy. I can't wait for this to start. Read more!
I admit, I'm not as excited for this Wrestlemania as last year's, but still, THE ROCK!!!! The patron saint of this website has returned, and for that alone I would shell out my hard-earned dough. The Georgia Dome has long been one of my favorite big-time wrestling venues, and based on an early photo, the inside looks quite nice right now:Let's get to the card, quickly, because I forgot about the early start time. Rey Mysterio vs. Dashing Cody Rhodes I initially typed "Bashing Cody Rhodes" by mistake, which would be great if he needs a gimmick change. I'm loving the Mankindish vibes to his promos lately, and this guy's work on the mic has shown a charisma that I never really thought he had. He goes over here in my first upset of the night.
Winner: The BASHING one. My Pick: The same. Randy Orton vs. CM Punk Rooting for Punk here, but really I just hope these two can come through with a good match.
Winner; Randy Orton My Pick: CM Punk John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler & Laycool I don't think this is going to be as much of a trainwreck as others seem to, mainly due to the fact that everyone in it other than Snooki is pretty good.
Winner: Snooki Team My Pick: Heel Team, so Vickie can cackle afterwards. Dolph is great, too. WCW United States Championship Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus IF this doesn't get pulled from the show, I'm expecting the match of the night. They had better give these two some time, both are really awesome and more than capable of stealing the show.
Winner: Sheamus My Pick: Daniel Bryan WCW Championship Edge (w/ Christian) vs. Alberto Del Rio (w/ Brodus Clay) I don't care who wins, I just want a Christian turn. He's awful as a babyface and a great heel. Screw Edge over, I don't care, whatever it takes.
Winner: Alberto My Pick: Del REEEEEEE-OHHHHHHH, and the return of the real Captain Charisma.
Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole Special Ref: Stone Cold Steve Austin I'm looking forward to this just as much as the title match. Lawler should pull some Memphis tricks out of the bag and finally give Cole his just desserts.
Winner: Jerry Lawler My Pick: Lawler, and I will likely be shouting at the tv during this. Streak vs. Eternal Sadness The Undertaker vs. Triple H I didn't give a shit about this match until the neato video package and then Shawn Michaels' involvement on Monday. Now I am keenly interested. Despite their best efforts at having Taker come off like a dick, is anyone rooting for Hunter here?
Winner: Undertaker My Pick: Taker, though watching the internet explode if Triple H won might be worth ending the Streak.
Concession Stand Break Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella & Kofi Kingston vs. The Corre Hey, it's a meaningless tag match! I like 2/5 of the babyfaces and 1/2 of a heel, so let's go team Show.
Winner: Good guys My Pick: Good guys, Santino getting the pin.
WWF Championship John Cena vs. The Miz I like Miz more than most as champ, mainly because the title seems more important than it has in the past - not because of him really, just because the haven't switched it in a while. I believe that trend ends tonight, though if the Axxess reactions are to be believed, Cena is going to be anything but a babyface. I say Cena wins here, Rock hugs him afterwards and then LAYS HIM THE FUCK OUT to build to either Summerslam or Wrestlemania 28 in Miami.
Winner: John Cena My Pick: The Rock, via WMIX Hulkster shenanigans
Overall: Not as must-see-at-the-exact-time-it-happens as last year's show, but still - it's freaking Wrestlemania. This is not a show where you want to mess around with streams. Just order the damn thing.
Honor no marketing catchphrases, kids. Join me and the good people of Germany for a pay per view exravaganza that is most certainly not called Elimination Chamber! Quick one this week since I have less than a half hour til it starts. On to the matches: Smackdown Elimination Chamber Edge vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Wade Barrett vs. Kane vs. Drew McIntyre vs. ??? Ain't no way this is any less than six dudes. I'm picking Dolph as the sixth entrant but not the winner.
Winner: Edge My Pick: Eh, Edge, why not
No Stakes Whatsoever Kofi Kingston vs. Alberto Del Rio Alberto squashes the competition on the road to Wrestlemania.
Winner: Albertooooooo My Pick:.....Del RRRRRRRRRRRRiiiiiiiiioooooooo
WWF Tag Team Championship Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Justin Gabriel & Heath Slater This should be fun, actually. Don't expect a title change here.
Winner: Team Santino My Pick: The same
WWF Championship Jerry "the King" Lawler vs. The Miz Now THIS is the one I'm interested in. If there's ever a time to pull the trigger on an awesome "old guy beats the odds and wins the title" storyline, it's now.
Winner: The Miz My Pick: Jerry Lawler
Raw Elimination Chamber John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. John Morrison vs. R-Truth vs. CM Punk vs. Sheamus Probably the main event, and it seems like they have to put Cena over, right? After Rocky's surprise vivisection of him Monday, I'm really hoping they surprise us here and give us Cena-Rock at Mania.
Winner: John Cena My Pick: John Morrison
Overall: Two Chambers, a fun title match, and Wrestlemania is next month. What more do you want? ORDER THIS.
Has there ever, EVER been a WWF pay per view before where only 4 matches were advertised to take place? None are coming to mind. This undercard is nothing special, but the Rumble is the real show here anyway, and there are ten extra guys this year, so I'm cool with it. I'm a pretty staunch traditionalist when it comes to the WWF, but it's not like they haven't changed the Rumble before. I'm very curious to see how this works out, and geez, it's the ROYAL RUMBLE! If this show doesn't excite you (even in a weak year like this one), you probably don't like wrasslin' too much.
Let's burn through this undercard and then get to the big one. Picks, in projected match order:
WCW Championship Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler This, young people, is called the Hardcore Holly Royal Rumble Halfassed Title Contender Push (HHRRHTCP). The tradition of doing this is fun, and I know titles are almost meaningless in the WWF now, but I would legitimately be surprised if young Dolph won here.
Winner: Edge My Pick: Edge, despite recent Kane-related shittiness on his part. WWF Women's Championship Handicap Match Natalya vs. LayCool NATTIE! It's so great to see my favorite women's wrestler for three years running finally get a title push, even if her postmatch celebrations are strange and borderline autistic (namely the constant pointing at crowd members and yelling "YOU GUYSSSSSSSS!".
Unfortunately it's Mania season, which means it's probably time to give the titles back to their biggest women's act. I'm just hoping that we see the debut of a bigger women's act here.
Winner: LayCool My Pick: Natalya and the debut of KONG
WWF Championship Randy Orton vs. The Miz This one I'm sort of split on. This blog has been a fan of the Miz for a while, ever since regrettably noting in 2009 that he was destined for the unemployment line after the breakup of his tag team with Morrison. He has something, no doubt, but he's missing something too - he's just average in the ring, and surprisingly hit-or-miss on the mic for a guy whose rep is based entirely on his mic skills. I like him, I like lengthy heel reigns, and I like traditional biggest-face-vs-biggest-heel-for-the-title matches at Mania. That said, Cena-Orton at Mania would be ok too, and Miz's reign so far is a lot like what would happen if you gave the WWF title to the Honky Tonk Man.
So I'm split here. If Cena isn't the challenger, I don't want the belt on Orton at Mania, though.
Winner: Randy Orton, because the combination of the "Miz can lose at any time" booking and their scatterbrained attitude towards title changes has me sucked in. My Pick: The Miz, I suppose. The Royal Rumble Match Folks, we had something pretty amazing happen last year. Our predictions are usually reliably and insanely wrong, but with the debut of the Royal Rumble Countdown, we actually hit it right on the mark, going with surprise winner Edge! Do not expect a repeat performance.
For your gambling pleasure, here's Year Two of the ROYAL RUMBLE COUNTDOWN! Your most likely 30 Rumble participants (only 34 currently announced), ranked in reverse likelihood of victory. Much like NBC's lineup in the years where they had no hits but Friends, this edition is SUPERSIZED! to deal with the 40-man edition of the Rumble this year. Here we go: MZOLIOCALABKTDHAY PREEEEEEEEEE-MOOOOO!!!!!!!!
40. Primo Colon
As soon as you hear that music, it's alllll over. Ain't no Wrestlemania main event like a Primo Colon Wrestlemania main event, amiright?
The Bushwhacker Luke Division (lucky if they remain in the match for 15 seconds without getting humiliated) 39. Darren Young 38. Yoshi Tatsu 37. JTG 36. Tyson Kidd 35. Zack Ryder 34. Santino Marella 33. Ted DiBiase
Last year's dark horse is this year's Bushwhacker Luke Division headliner. Sorry, Teddy, but you're not winning this. Note: #s 33-36 on this list have HFR's full support as potential winners. We would bankrupt any wrestling promotion in the world for the sake of great gimmicks.
The David Otunga Hopeless Lackey Division (A new addition this year for the Nexus/Corre guys with no chance in hell)
32. David Otunga 31. Heath Slater 30. Michael McGillicuddy 29. Justin Gabriel 28. Husky Harris
That's in reverse order of how much I like them. I loathe Otunga.
The Dory Funk Jr. Division (surprise entrants who aren't very good surprises)
27. Christian (unannounced) 26. Tyler Reks (unannounced) 25. Booker T (unannounced)
Much like the jobber divisions above, this one is going to be unusually stacked this year. It blows my mind that there's a bidding war over Nash and Booker T in 2011, but so it goes. Nash is plenty underwhelming as a surprise, but isn't listed juuuuust yet.... The Akeem Division (for giant clods with no chance of winning)
24. Vladimir Kozlov 23. Mark Henry 22. Chris Masters 21. Ezekiel Jackson 20. Kane
Impressively, 3 of the 5 in this group are Repeat Clods from 2010. Still no Nash, hmmmm.... The Jerry Sags Divison of Deadwood (yeah, they're not winning either)
19. David Hart Smith 18. R-Truth 17. Daniel Bryan 16. William Regal 15. The Big Show 14. Jack Swagger 13. Drew McIntyre
We're getting into the major leagues now. Harry Boy Smith just missed the jobber rounds since I like him so much, and I'll also be rooting for Bryan and Regal for as long as they're in. The Diesel Push Division (not even named after Diesel, but his Push) 12. Mason Ryan
I was going back and forth as to whether they'd give it to Ryan or Zeke Jackson this year. I think it's going to be Ryan, but there may be a better option....
11. Diesel (unannounced)
We know he's showing up anyway; if Diesel gets an honorary Diesel Push, I will mark out to the point of running around my house screaming. The Randy Savage/Jake Roberts Division (pairs of guys who are currently feuding and will probably take each other out) 10. Cody Rhodes (unannounced) 9. Rey Mysterio
Phantom of the Opera-mask Cody is out for revenge! Plus it's not like they'll let Rey Rey win the Rumble twice. The Dark Horse 8. John Morrison
Did they blow off his Miz feud on TV so JoMo could save the PPV matchup for Wrestlemania? At least if he wins, please don't call him The Prince of Parkour again. The Contenders
7. Kofi Kingston 6. Wade Barrett 5. King Sheamus 4. Triple H (unannounced)
Trips is a mortal lock to show up either tonight or tomorrow night, but I don't think he wins; if anything, he knocks himself and Sheamus back to the Savage/Roberts division. The Favorites 3. Alberto Del Rio 2. CM Punk
I want Punk to win. I want to pick him to win. I really do. But he's a heel, and I don't see what the WM matchup would be aside from with a face champion Cena, and well..... The 2011 Royal Rumble Winner 1. John Cena
Sorry folks, but it's the Year of Cena anyway. Your new reigning Wrestling Observer Wrestler of the Year probably has a better chance than anyone else in this one. I don't actually expect him to win, which is odd; I just expect him to win more than I expect anyone else to. We'll see.
This is always the best wrestling night of the year for me. Order the show, folks. Rumbles rarely disappoint. Read more!
A lot of people love WCW from 1996-1997, when the nWo storyline crested, or even 1998 WCW, with the rise of Goldberg and that unforgettable night in the Georgia Dome where he finally beat Hogan for the title. These periods are all well & good, but WCW in 1999 is a completely different kind of entertainment. 1999 was the first sign that WCW had hit an iceberg; WCW made a profit of something like $80 million in 1998, but by 1999, Eric Bischoff began to lose his mind and was increasingly absent from the day-to-day operations. Kevin Nash was booking at this point, and by the end of the year, the company would post a loss of $15 million - nothing compared to the $60m loss to come in 2000, but an asnishing turnaround nonetheless. Shows like this shine a light on how, exactly, this ended up happening.
(Here's a copy of Scott Keith's rant on the show, for more sensible star ratings than can be provided here.)
WCW Great American Bash 1999
We begin with a white limo pulling up backstage, and lo and behold, it’s the No Limit Soldiers! In Camo! For the uninitiated, yes, that is Master P's rap posse, on a wrestling pay per view. I told you WCW was losing money.
Hennig greets Master P and claims that he’s “true to the game” and loves Master P's music more than anyone in the world. Hennig then crushes the CD that Master P gives him, prompting the No Limit Soldiers to start hooting at him angrily. They actually yell something that sounds like "HOOT" over and over again.
We then get a video package for the Savage-Nash main event, which consists of the following:
- Savage putting lipstick on Nash - A mystery man attempting to fill Savage’s limo with cement via the sunroof - Savage, wearing a hot pink fur coat, declaring “the party starts right now!” as he brings a bucketful of some sort of muddy goop with him, about which he declares “that’s FERMENTED, YEEEEAH!” - Savage heading to the ring and as Nash declares “you want some of me? Put down the bucket”. Savage delivers the immortal line “YOU’RE a STOO-pid PER-SEEE-INNNN”. Only the Macho Man could turn “person” into a three-syllable word. - A contortionist emerging from a duffel bag behind the Macho Man to dump the bucket of fermented shit/goop on HIS head rather than Nash’s. Hilarious! - Nash getting in his limo with an escort of 3 ladies, who close the door and call him a "sucker" as Macho rolls down the partition window revealing himself to be the driver. Mach then asks “you like being a smartass? WANNA GO FOR A RIDE????” before driving ten feet, getting out and running, and then yelling “GET IM!” as a white jeep/hummer slams into the side of the limo. Later, they probably set some piles of money on fire.
And with that, welcome to the Great American Bash! We are LIVE from the Baltimore Arena in Baltimore, MD, with an announced crowd of 11,672! It's June 16, 1999, and Schiavone, Tenay, & Heenan are your hosts. Tony immediately and excitedly claims that MASTER P IS IN THE HOUSE! Heenan tells us that Savage may win the title if he feels like it, but then again, he’s wrestling Kevin Nash.
We now go to what Tony calls “a very special look at the Great American Bash”, which is just a video package running down the card. It includes the phrase “Hak vs. Brian Knobs - “those two wacky hardcore guys!” ".
The video package rundown is a nice addition for home video, but for the live show, anyone who's watching it already bought the PPV presumably. The show rundown goes RIGHT into the video package for the Hak vs. Knobs match, with no transition at all. One second they're talking about the main event and after that its back to hardcore highlights.
Knobs in the video, responding to Jimmy Hart's offer of membership in the First Family: “Brian Knobs is as NASTY AS HE WANTS TO BE, and I’m gonna have to think about it.”
Kendo Stick Match Hardcore Hak (w/ Chastity) vs. Brian Knobs (w/ Jimmy Hart)
Knobs’ music seems to be a soundalike of both Metallica’s “Ain’t My Bitch” and “My Sharona”
Tenay refers to Knobs as having been “hardcore before hardcore was cool”. Good try, but you're competing against the things coming out of Heenan's mouth for "nonsensical statement of the night", so you're gonna have to up your game, Mikey.
Tony says that in honor of the red white and blue, people should “be a patriot and have a hardcore match”. THERE we go! That's some Heenan-level nonsense talk!
Knobs takes the mic and says that today is Mrs. Nasty’s birthday, so he’s promised to destroy Hak for her. Hak is the Sandman by the way, with a shitty name that's probably an inside joke at his expense. Knobs challenges him to see “who’s really hardcore” by “getting rid of these sissy kendo sticks and all these silly toys”. He wants to get rid of the Kendo Sticks. In a Kendo Stick Match. He prefers taped fists or something. Tony says that Hak is “breaming” (sic) with confidence.
Someone actually brought a “Hak” sign to the arena?
Jimmy Hart is clad in a fantastic, if outdated, airbrushed Faces of Fear jacket.
Hak surveys the audience to see if he should comply with the weapons ban, but Knobs pearl harbors him with a trash can. Tony: “It was a swerve! We’ve had the first swerve of the night!”
Sandman is just wearing a generic tshirt, Knobs’s is the Nasty Boys shirt but just says “NASTY” as there is no Sags here. There's an actual “lets go Hak” chant once this match gets going.
Kendo stick shot to the face gets Sandman the pin at 5 and a half minutes, but Hugh Morrus immediately jumps him along with Hart and Knobs. *, not a good match but the crowd seemed willing to participate.
Backstage, Piper is walking by and getting ready for the “return bout” vs. Flair. Buff thanks him for the match vs. Disco and then claims to have Piper's back tonight. Piper tells him to take the ball and “run like Emmitt Smith”, then says “kids. Love kids. Love 'em for breakfast…” as he walks off.
Mikey Whipwreck vs. Van Hammer
The announcers are jabbering on about a box of chocolates or something. Heenan claims that Whipwreck's shinguards are “kneepads to protect his (shoe)laces”. This match wasn’t even mentioned in the huge rundown of the show.
Tenay brings up the “who drove the Hummer?” conundrum, Nash apparently thinks it was Scott Hall. Nick Patrick is your ref, with some Magnum TA hair action going.
They claim that BILLY RIPKEN may be in attendance. Not Cal Ripken, but Cal Ripken's drunken brother.
Van Hammer sets up the ring steps near the railing, climbs them and drops Whipwreck on the rail. Strange spot.
Whipwreck hits a body splash off the turnbuckle that could best be described as a Headhumper
Van Hammer hits the Cobra Clutch slam thing for the pin at about 8 AND A HALF MINUTES, geez, that was long for what was essentially a squash. ½*
Buff Bagwell vs. Disco Inferno
The camera shows two blondes in the crowd so hot and well dressed that they must be plants, lo and behold Disco hugs one on the way in.
Tony: “as we go into the net millennium....Buff Bagwell is gonna lead WCW and pro wrestling”
Buff is the clear favorite as they both mug for the crowd, who start a “Disco Sucks” chant.
Lotta stalling in this, Tony fills time by giving a special hello to all of the recent high school grads watching the program!
The Macarena Piledriver - a piledriver in which the Macarena is performed- gets reversed. Tony uses the phrase “Man Alive!”. He may have put on some weight ans started calling himself Don West after WCW went under.
Buff Blockbuster wins it for Bagwell at just shy of ten minutes, felt like twenty and not in the good way. ¾*
Rey Mysterio Jr. & Konnan vs. Curt Hennig & Bobby Duncum Jr.
This gets a very, um, entertaining video package, featuring:
- Hennig asking what was up with that K-Dong and his rap music, since he cant stand that rap music - Konnan taking offense and attacking Hennig - Hennig allying with Bobby Duncum Jr. and vowing to sing country music - Konnan and Rey - in mid 90s Astros jerseys - saying that “we can settle this on a ranch…” Hennig: “ill slap that smile right off your face” - Rey and Konnan attacking during a country song wearing matching orange prison uniforms for some reason - Ends with a shot of Hennig yelling “RAP IS A BUNCHA CRAP”
Theres a live DJ now? His name is DJ RAN; he dedicates something to the “PPV” and attempts to find the rowdiest section, as well as Orioles fans, which just draws boos. He’s wearing an O’s jersey, introduces Master P and the No Limit Soldiers and exhorts the crowd to put their hands up several times. The Soldiers take their seats as the DJ continues screaming stuff like “check it out….you know how we do….master P and the no limit soldiers…ringside!” then throws it to his man, David Penzer.
Two notable signs here as Hennig and Duncum come out to "Rap is Crap" - seven people holding up one letter each of “HENNIG!”, and then one reading “Konnan Fears Soap”. During the entrances, we get this exchange from the announcers:
Tony: “here they come as a team, feeling that their kind of music - that being country and western - is better than rap” Tenay: “I think I would go for rap!” Heenan: “I've always liked marching music….like Desi Arnaz and Babalu with the conga drums….think about that for a while”
Tony describes the faces as “two men who can, as DJ Ran would say, get all up in ya area”
We see a large black woman with a “l’il rey’s got the hookup $$” sign. A nearby sign reads “I HATE THIS SIGN”.
Konnan’s usual shpeil gets a mixed reaction, then Rey, who’s wearing some sort of cylinder on his head, takes the mic and says “Much love and respect to all my No Limit Soldiers, HOOOTY HOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Oh it’s a gas mask that hes wearing. Why? And why are both good guys wearing overalls?
Hennig comes out and makes monkey noises at Master P. Really. After Master P's interference, we hear from an excited Schiavone: "CURT HENNIG STARTED THIS, BRAIN! HE BROKE THE MAN’S CD AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PROGRAM!"
Hennig utilizes various incarnations of sitting on Mysterios head, then does the Rick Rude thing and points to the sky. The crowd is cool with all the casual racism, but somehow THIS draws boos.
This match has quite a few points where it looks like nobody really knows what to do. Windham is out to attack Konnan wearing street clothes and YELLOW WORK GLOVES, this draws out Swoll from the crowd, the biggest of the No Limit Soldiers and the one who was on WCW's payroll for a reported six figures. He headbutts Duncum and Rey pins him at about 10 and a half minutes, a brawl almost breaks out after the bell between the two factions and the crowd seems much more into that. No Limit Soldiers victoriously sprint to the back as the Rednecks continue attacking Rey and Konnan, which just seems off. Hennig and Rey in the same ring sounds cool but this wasn’t much. *½, and your Match of the Night to this point.
Announcers continue to talk up Swoll, who's played in the CFL and the NFL (Broncos) and is allegedly known in the bodybuilding world. Tony then weirdly throws us to video highlights of the previous match. There's general booing in the background, not sure if it's for a reason or just because this card blows.
Heenan claims that Savage is backstage thinking to himself that " “within the hour - within the TWO hours” I can become heavyweight champion” (sic'd all over)
Scott Norton vs. Ernest “The Cat” Miller (w/ Sonny Onoo)
Norton is indeed your face, out to nWo Hollywood music, oh but wait, its Horace Hogan!?! He’s displeased about being hit upside the head with a crowbar. He says he’s sure there's nothing the crowd would like more than to see him kick the crap out of the Kat. The crowd is not so sure about that. Horace says “you couldn’t even beat your own self up if you know what I mean” and charges, and we somehow get a match that’s WORSE than advertised.
Horace Hogan vs. Ernest “The Cat” Miller (w/ Sonny Onoo)
Wow, this sucks. The primary highlight is a kid at ringside in a tye-dyed nWo shirt petting Horace like a dog. Tony says “still, and we cant explain it to you, fans, no Scott Norton”.
The Cat wins at about 5 and a half super long minutes with a kick using a ruby slipper that Sonny Onoo slips on him. Really. Such a waste of my life to watch this. ZERO stars, it's tough to get worse than this....
Ric Flair (w/ Asya & Arn Anderson) vs. Roddy Piper
But they'll try!
This is for the WCW Presidency; Piper I think is supposed to be the face but the crowd seems to prefer Flair, as we're in HAWSMEN COUNTRY dagnabbit.
Video package: Piper promises ten reasons why Flair shouldn’t even run a gas station, brings up his personal finances, Flair attacks, Piper vows to bring two partners to something and says “I’m gonna call them ‘phantom’ and ‘menace’”. Is that a Star Wars reference?? Aha, it's Benoit and Malenko! Malenko claims Flair walked away from the Horsemen, Flair says without him there are no Horsemen. I thought the Horsemen were done after Fall Brawl 97, I guess not?
Arn tries to patch up the dispute but to no avail, as “it comes to this” as Tony says, "this" being a match that doesn't involve the Horsemen at all. Flair is the incumbent Prez here.
Asya is clearly their copycat Chyna, which I was surprised to see actually predates Russo. The announcers are questioning Flair’s mental state for unclear reasons. Tenay claims that this is “the most important match that Flair has been involved in as far as OUR future”. Sure.
Sign: “HI! DAD” (sic?) has to be the Sign Of The Night.
Piper is introduced as “WCW’s Troubleshooting Commissioner”. They have a Commissioner and a President? Why not a Director of Authority as well?
Sign: "Piper for President”, but with a Four Horsemen hand signal drawn on instead of a 4. I am confused. Tenay notes the “stipulation” - “if Piper wins, Buff Bagwell has a chance to prove himself”. Those are high stakes, right there
Potential Sign of the Night competition here, as we now have one reading "BRING BACK MR. BOB BACKLUND”, who to my knowledge was not in WCW.
Piper throws some really bad jabs, and we get some really unnecessary Ric Flair ass shots. This is the kind of match where if you were watching with other people in the room, they would laugh at you because of how fake it looks. Flair nails Piper with brass knuckles, then just decides to sit down instead of covering him.
Eventually, down comes Buff to clock the interfering Arn Anderson, then Buff attacks Flair and gives him the win by DQ at 8 minutes. ½*, oh hell, make it ¼* since NOTHING made sense. Huge letdown here given the names involved. Piper nails Bagwell and they fight each other? Now Arn spinebusters Bagwell for a big pop. Flair and Anderson hold Bagwell as Piper lashes him. What the holy hell was the idea behind this? The whole match was some sort of trap for Bagwell???
DJ Ran gets the crowd to say Hell Yeah for nash, which prompts Tony to ask “how come he can cuss and we can't?”
Ah, the failed late-90s Rick Steiner singles push, a sad moment in history for everyone who loves to attend wrestling events and bark at the air.
The video package involves Sting and Steiner fighting near some sort of tractor/monster truck and then with athletic tape in a cage. Apparently the genesis of this feud was Steiner’s exhortation of “you want some, come get some”. I should note that Schiavone introduced the video package by saying “this match has a very special stipulation that we’d like to tell you about, take a look!” and it made no mention of said stipulation.
Wait, this is a non title match? Tony: “you see him holding up that belt, he is not going to be defending that belt here tonight, this is very much of a grudge match, although that was not labeled on this match….we go back to David penzer once again!” (sic) (what?)
Tony attributes the fighting outside the ring to the “new attitude” of the “more dangerous than ever“ Steiner, “he would never do something like this months ago…..he enjoys in ring confrontation” sure its that, not the FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE STIPULATION
About 9 minutes of this was perfectly acceptable, maybe even would’ve broken the elusive ** barrier that’s eluded this show so far. And then……
Well.....
They brawl to the back (look for the insane lady in the crowd who really swats at Steiner), to the WCW.com table with Mark Madden and Chris Jericho (one of his last PPV appearances for WCW?) and then backstage, where Tank Abbott chokes Sting with some rope or something and then Scott Steiner sics two Dobermans on Sting. Really. He has dogs attack Sting. Then a rottweiler! Security sprints over as they take the cameras off of Sting, they say. At 11 and a half minutes the ref rings the bell, both Steiners are in the ring. Scotty says “my understanding of this match was falls count anywhere”, somehow this results in Rick being declared the winner??
Scott’s ultimately persuasive argument for his brother's victory was to look at the ref and say “1,2,3.....hnah?” What the hell? I dunno, lets say ¾* for that, can't really go any higher because of how little sense the finish makes. It's a shocker that Rick’s “if you don’t like me, bite me” catchphrase never got over, HNAH?
The postmatch promo sees Scott declare “WCW SUCKS!” I wholeheartedly agree at this point.
Rick: "Who's the shittiest town in America? Baltimore!"
The build for this is a TOTALLY natural segment where Bam Bam is sitting on something and halfheartedly says “you also told me to get a partner, well GUESS WHAT” and DDP, on cue, hits both champs ever so slightly with a 2x4. They claim this is a live attack??? This segues right to a video package, nonsensical by any reasonable standard but tonight's.
The video package shows:
- DDP and Bigelow dumping Raven into a dumpster - DDP and Bigelow then winning the tag belts - Flair, in front of an AWESOME melding of the WCW logo and the Presidential seal that has to be seen to be believed, teaming up with Benoit for a shot at the belts, turning on him, Saturn coming in as the replacement, winning the belts, then Kanyon attacks Saturn as the Triad is formed
Tony: “fans I do wanna give you an update, we do wanna assure you that Sting was pulled away from those dogs”. For some reason the announcers are trying to stick Bigelow with the nickname “Triple B”.
This would probably have been better if it were a lot shorter. Malenko eventually comes out to revive Saturn, distracts the ref, then DDP and good old Triple B hit a combination Greetings From Asbury Park & Diamond Cutter (or as Tony calls it, a “double diamond cutter”) on Benoit, then roll Kanyon on top for the pin and belts at 18:30. **½, and only that high because Benoit and Kanyon were both awesome here. Match of the night, by a wide stretch.
Macho Man demands a title shot vs. Nash from Piper and a grey-haired Bischoff, gets it apparently, then just puts lipstick on Nash instead of winning the title. Macho then declares, on Nitro I guess, that “June the Thirteenth CAN BE TONIGHT, come on out Big Sexy!” and a Nash impersonator comes out in a dress and Wolfpac shirt - and, um, the title belt? We then see some women hitting each other as Savage vows to “push him back in the closet where he needs to stay”.
Nash then dumps raw sewage into Macho’s limo while hes in there with the girls, then we see the rest of what we saw before, including a second replay of YOURE a STOOpid PERR-SEEE-INNNN, all the way through the Hummer crash.
Buffer does intros, calling Nash and Savage the greatest big man and most dangerous man in wrestling, respectively. The revamped Macho Man is out to a heavy metal song that starts with a girl cooing “what up, Mach?” and him responding with OOOOOH YEAAAAH. Buffer's awkward intro: “It's Madness time! It's Macho time! Its Macho Man Randyyyyyyy Savage!”
Nash comes out to the Wolfpac theme and some very sad pyro, those aren't even sparklers. A sign says the following: “ “Nash” lets do it “wolfpac” style”. Why are there quotes around "Nash"? Buffer claims Nash has fractured ribs and a bad knee and is known for his “ignore-the-pain courage”. Also, I'm sure, for his "no-show-the-PPV resolve".
Nash has asked for the ban on Savage’s top-rope elbow drop to be overturned? Why was that banned? A nice quote from Tony that summarizes the nonsense: “Sewage was involved, the lady in the duffel bag…..the use of the lipstick, the horrible crash of the limousine….”
Savage looks quite washed up here. Nash kicks out of a bad elbow drop, powerbombs Savage, the ladies attack Nash but the ref doesn’t seem to care at all, SID then comes down and hits Nash in the face with a big boot to make his WCW return and give Nash the win by DQ at almost 7 and a half minutes. Match was nothing, just a lot of kicking and punching. ½*
The announcers then speculate that it was Sid behind the wheel, Tenay notes that this makes sense and Tony adds “it seems to, but sometimes you can throw logic out the window.” Okay then! Sid helps Macho Man out as Buffer announces that the prone Nash is the winner and STILL champion. We close with a shot of Nash’s face and then a Bash at the Beach ad with people outside during the summer, until a storm cloud (the WCW logo) darkens the horizon and forces them to watch some crazy shit that makes no sense. That's where we'll pick up next time!
Overall: This is just a fascinating period in WCW for me. It's very, very clear in retrospect that they're in trouble; from firsthand experience, I can assure you that the WWF had clearly won the war at this point. Austin had just beaten The Rock at Wrestlemania, and every wrestling fan I knew was completely into that and had ceased paying attention to WCW altogether.
Watching this show now, the key difference between it and 2000 WCW is that the infrastructure of a thriving company was all there. The buildings are all still standing, everyone is still going through the motions, oblivious to the way that this is guaranteed to end. Everyone at a high level here is cashing a paycheck & pretending that everything's okay. As an exercise in mass delusion & indifference, and for the mind-blowing financial inefficiencies that would sink ANY company, this show is fascinating to watch.
As a wrestling show, not so much. Due to the existence of Heroes of Wrestling, this show lost out on Worst PPV of the Year honors in 1999. It's close, though, and still holds up as one of the worst shows of all time. In a strange twist, Hollywood Video bought up pretty much every copy of this that was ever put out; it's insanely bad enough to merit buying for $1 on clearance at your local Hollywood Video, provided that your local Hollywood Video has not yet gone the way of WCW.
I may take off for months at a time, but I WILL NEVER skip a Big Four PPV preview. Probably. The show's already under way, of course, but I'm sequestering myself from society completely until watching the replay later tonight. My picks, in projected match order:
WWF Intercontinental Championship Kofi Kingston v. Dolph Ziggler The IC title is to Dolph what the ROH world title is to Tyler Black. It's nice that they both finally got the strap, but both companies waited too long to pull the trigger, and now the belt means much less than it otherwise might. I've seen these two fight a lot, so it seems like there won't be any real surprises here.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler My Pick: Dolph, just for confidently using the Sleeperhold as a finisher in 2010. WCW Championship Rey Mysterio vs. Kane This angle unfolded almost exactly like anyone would've predicted a few months ago when Kane vowed vengeance on the mystery attacker. Still, it's been a while since the last Taker-Kane feud, and a whole new group of kids who are into the product haven't seen it. I'm on board.
Winner: Kane, but with a special Undertaker appearance at some point. My Pick: Rey Rey, just to see if they can somehow give him a worse title reign than his previous two. Why Is This Here Handicap Match The Big Show vs. The Straight Edge Society Seriously, why is this here? CM Punk should be main-eventing, not needing the help of two minions to maybe beat the Big Show.
Winner: SES, because the WWF can't be THAT dumb. My Pick: SES, because two competent non-jobber wrestlers should never lose a handicap match to one guy. And there are THREE of them here!
WWF Championship Randy Orton vs. Sheamus Count me among those interested in this match solely because of their promo on the go-home show. Hopefully they can top their lackluster Rumble match.
Winner: Sheamus My Pick: Randall Q. Orton
WWF Divas Championship Melina vs. Alicia Fox Filler, crowd coolant, and it's not a real belt anyway.
Winner: Alicia, because the office apparently loves her. My Pick: Alicia, because of her very kind and considerate relative lack of shrill screaming.
Team WWF vs. The Nexus Now THIS is a main event to get excited for. Rumblings around the WWF seem to indicate that something big is planned here, whether it be a shocking heel turn or a shocking return. I have no idea what to expect. I can't wait.
Winner: Nexus, but with Daniel Bryan as your 7th man My Pick: I'll be marking out for the WWF team, even though the Nexus should probably go over here. If this is the night they finally turn Cena heel, it will surely be something to behold.
Overall: Haven't been this amped to watch a WWF show since Wrestlemania, and it's all because of the main event. Really, I don't care about anything else. It's too late to advise anyone else to buy or skip this, but I just bought the replay and will now be sitting down to enjoy it. Happy summer, folks. Read more!
......it's a down year for the most fun B show of the year!
Given the presence of both Khali and Santino, this is the most likely match for someone like Christian to pull an Edge and attack someone on the way to the Chamber while then stealing their spot by locking himself in their pod. Edge set the precedent! It's legal now! For continuity's sake, I really hope he waits until the WWF title match and then does it to Kofi.
I love legacy kids and all, but Tamina's just here to kill time until Kharma comes back around at Wrestlemania.
This isn't listed on their website yet, and I have no idea why not, because it's virtually guaranteed and a staple of No Way Out every year. Sheamus probably gets a match added, maybe the tag champs fight as well, but there's going to be SOMETHING else. My money's on either Rocky or Shaq to make an appearance.
I was a defender of this feud at first, on the grounds that Kane (in a theory espoused by the great Vince Verhei) was a "hate advocate" seeking to lobby Mr. Cena for the adoption of hate into his worldview. In practice, though, it's ass and I want it to stop. I have a feeling it might after this match, but they have a lot of time to fill. This is going to suck.
Much like the Kane storyline, I support CM Punk in theory, but in practice he very often makes for terrible television. When he's not champ and the title is on someone middling, I'll root for him to become champ based on empty promises of getting rid of the spinner belt, but I don't really care all that much. He's a remarkably overrated promo guy and storyline-wise, I have no idea why he's motivated by a deep-burning hatred for John Laurinaitis, a guy who makes matches because his storyline job is to make matches. This show seems totally predictable right now, and this match is where I'd throw in a SWERVE that actually makes sense - sacrifice these dudes to ensure that your potential biggest Wrestlemania of all time, buyratewise, doesn't job out your most historic title by having it in the middle of the card.
