ROYAL RUMBLE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has there ever, EVER been a WWF pay per view before where only 4 matches were advertised to take place? None are coming to mind. This undercard is nothing special, but the Rumble is the real show here anyway, and there are ten extra guys this year, so I'm cool with it. I'm a pretty staunch traditionalist when it comes to the WWF, but it's not like they haven't changed the Rumble before. I'm very curious to see how this works out, and geez, it's the ROYAL RUMBLE! If this show doesn't excite you (even in a weak year like this one), you probably don't like wrasslin' too much.

Let's burn through this undercard and then get to the big one. Picks, in projected match order:

WCW Championship
Edge vs. Dolph Ziggler
This, young people, is called the Hardcore Holly Royal Rumble Halfassed Title Contender Push (HHRRHTCP). The tradition of doing this is fun, and I know titles are almost meaningless in the WWF now, but I would legitimately be surprised if young Dolph won here.

Winner: Edge
My Pick: Edge, despite recent Kane-related shittiness on his part.

WWF Women's Championship
Handicap Match
Natalya vs. LayCool
NATTIE! It's so great to see my favorite women's wrestler for three years running finally get a title push, even if her postmatch celebrations are strange and borderline autistic (namely the constant pointing at crowd members and yelling "YOU GUYSSSSSSSS!".

Unfortunately it's Mania season, which means it's probably time to give the titles back to their biggest women's act. I'm just hoping that we see the debut of a bigger women's act here.

Winner: LayCool
My Pick: Natalya and the debut of KONG

WWF Championship
Randy Orton vs. The Miz
This one I'm sort of split on. This blog has been a fan of the Miz for a while, ever since regrettably noting in 2009 that he was destined for the unemployment line after the breakup of his tag team with Morrison. He has something, no doubt, but he's missing something too - he's just average in the ring, and surprisingly hit-or-miss on the mic for a guy whose rep is based entirely on his mic skills. I like him, I like lengthy heel reigns, and I like traditional biggest-face-vs-biggest-heel-for-the-title matches at Mania. That said, Cena-Orton at Mania would be ok too, and Miz's reign so far is a lot like what would happen if you gave the WWF title to the Honky Tonk Man.

So I'm split here. If Cena isn't the challenger, I don't want the belt on Orton at Mania, though.

Winner: Randy Orton, because the combination of the "Miz can lose at any time" booking and their scatterbrained attitude towards title changes has me sucked in.
My Pick: The Miz, I suppose.

The Royal Rumble Match
Folks, we had something pretty amazing happen last year. Our predictions are usually reliably and insanely wrong, but with the debut of the Royal Rumble Countdown, we actually hit it right on the mark, going with surprise winner Edge! Do not expect a repeat performance.

For your gambling pleasure, here's Year Two of the ROYAL RUMBLE COUNTDOWN! Your most likely 30 Rumble participants (only 34 currently announced), ranked in reverse likelihood of victory. Much like NBC's lineup in the years where they had no hits but Friends, this edition is SUPERSIZED! to deal with the 40-man edition of the Rumble this year. Here we go:

MZOLIOCALABKTDHAY PREEEEEEEEEE-MOOOOO!!!!!!!!

40. Primo Colon

As soon as you hear that music, it's alllll over. Ain't no Wrestlemania main event like a Primo Colon Wrestlemania main event, amiright?

The Bushwhacker Luke Division
(lucky if they remain in the match for 15 seconds without getting humiliated)
39. Darren Young
38. Yoshi Tatsu
37. JTG
36. Tyson Kidd
35. Zack Ryder
34. Santino Marella
33. Ted DiBiase

Last year's dark horse is this year's Bushwhacker Luke Division headliner. Sorry, Teddy, but you're not winning this. Note: #s 33-36 on this list have HFR's full support as potential winners. We would bankrupt any wrestling promotion in the world for the sake of great gimmicks.

The David Otunga Hopeless Lackey Division
(A new addition this year for the Nexus/Corre guys with no chance in hell)

32. David Otunga
31. Heath Slater
30. Michael McGillicuddy
29. Justin Gabriel
28. Husky Harris

That's in reverse order of how much I like them. I loathe Otunga.


The Dory Funk Jr. Division
(surprise entrants who aren't very good surprises)

27. Christian (unannounced)
26. Tyler Reks (unannounced)
25. Booker T (unannounced)

Much like the jobber divisions above, this one is going to be unusually stacked this year. It blows my mind that there's a bidding war over Nash and Booker T in 2011, but so it goes. Nash is plenty underwhelming as a surprise, but isn't listed juuuuust yet....

The Akeem Division
(for giant clods with no chance of winning)

24. Vladimir Kozlov
23. Mark Henry
22. Chris Masters
21. Ezekiel Jackson
20. Kane

Impressively, 3 of the 5 in this group are Repeat Clods from 2010. Still no Nash, hmmmm....

The Jerry Sags Divison of Deadwood
(yeah, they're not winning either)

19. David Hart Smith
18. R-Truth
17. Daniel Bryan
16. William Regal
15. The Big Show
14. Jack Swagger
13. Drew McIntyre

We're getting into the major leagues now. Harry Boy Smith just missed the jobber rounds since I like him so much, and I'll also be rooting for Bryan and Regal for as long as they're in.

The Diesel Push Division
(not even named after Diesel, but his Push)
12. Mason Ryan

I was going back and forth as to whether they'd give it to Ryan or Zeke Jackson this year. I think it's going to be Ryan, but there may be a better option....

11. Diesel (unannounced)

We know he's showing up anyway; if Diesel gets an honorary Diesel Push, I will mark out to the point of running around my house screaming.

The Randy Savage/Jake Roberts Division
(pairs of guys who are currently feuding and will probably take each other out)
10. Cody Rhodes (unannounced)
9. Rey Mysterio

Phantom of the Opera-mask Cody is out for revenge! Plus it's not like they'll let Rey Rey win the Rumble twice.

The Dark Horse
8. John Morrison

Did they blow off his Miz feud on TV so JoMo could save the PPV matchup for Wrestlemania? At least if he wins, please don't call him The Prince of Parkour again.

The Contenders

7. Kofi Kingston
6. Wade Barrett
5. King Sheamus
4. Triple H (unannounced)

Trips is a mortal lock to show up either tonight or tomorrow night, but I don't think he wins; if anything, he knocks himself and Sheamus back to the Savage/Roberts division.

The Favorites
3. Alberto Del Rio
2. CM Punk

I want Punk to win. I want to pick him to win. I really do. But he's a heel, and I don't see what the WM matchup would be aside from with a face champion Cena, and well.....

The 2011 Royal Rumble Winner
1. John Cena

Sorry folks, but it's the Year of Cena anyway. Your new reigning Wrestling Observer Wrestler of the Year probably has a better chance than anyone else in this one. I don't actually expect him to win, which is odd; I just expect him to win more than I expect anyone else to. We'll see.

This is always the best wrestling night of the year for me. Order the show, folks. Rumbles rarely disappoint.
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